A COOK'S TALE

While surfing the internet the other day we came across the plaintive tale of Scotty the Cook. This is just as he has written it apart from a little editing. Some-one should take pity on him, or get him to teach a creative writing class. The entries are on a free site which allows ships crew to post their CVs.  The messages cover a three month period from October 2002.

Scotty the cook is available now . If you require a good cook and baker I have all the experience needed. Ships or camp jobs. Only e mail me for full resume. I’M FRYING TO HEAR FROM YOU

Scotty the famous ship’s cook from bonnie Scotland since 1973 is at present unemployed. Very good all round cook/baker gets on very well with fellow crew members. Looking for job on ship or oil rig or research vessel, mining camp any amount of crew. Have distcharges and documentation to back up what I say you can telephone me or email me. 

Hi thar ye all.  I am a British trained ships cook,  a very good one at that.  I am at present unemployed due to lay offs. I have cooked for up to 350 crew in camps and oil rigs, also ships world wide. I recently worked with Nautcos on Amelia Earhart expedition, South Seas . Please phone me or go to nauticos.com click on food and read about me. Thank you for reading this ad

Wanted, ship board cooking job as Chief Cook. I have all experience documented in the form of discharge books. Very good baking skills. I won’t be out of work too long, so if you are in the market for a cook contact me. I will send you full resume. Thanks for your time

I have had no response for a cooking position aboard a ship or oil rig or camp. You are missing out on a very good cook, experienced in all cooking tastes. Send or phone for resume. Ask for Scotty. Ta ta the noo

Need a good cook phone me. Need a cow boy phone Macdonald’s.  Full resume 20 years documented service in merchant navy and various rigs and reasearch vessels, will take land camp job cooking for up to 400 personnel or wash the dishes how does one get a job on the internet ????????????????????????????? if you know e mail me.

Scotty the cook is still looking for a job. I have Alll my papers to work world wide ‘A cran cooky the chinese frood or cook fer ya all dowrn in Louisiarna. ‘A make a really good ette tu fe or steark and pertatters ora if youa alika any thinga italiana my german food icht nien too bad escther. I am very goot at der sveedishes I can do you m and x for breackvast ya or if yea are wanting awee bit scottish I kin mak stovies or glasgow caviar (mince an tatties) and don’t get me started on the delights of haggis (there are none) and what I can do with a length of English black pudding is nobody’s business I am kind sirs very good at the hindi curry dishes and furkin rice so az you can see I also schpreken ora different dialects ya oivee been adoing dis job man long long time man me number one johnny boy so iffa yo looky fer a good ole boy cooky gies a shout mac tavish am gone oot ma scull lookin fer a joab e mail me or phone me not collect(I am scottish with a weak bank account) or drop me a letter or a check I am not proud. Thank you very much for reading my plea for a job if you hire me I promise to stay off the internet (its real tough for me to type as I only have ten fingers but only one works) yours sincerely Scotty ta ta the noo.

Hi my name is Scotty and my eye balls are sore looking for a job if you require a good ships cook phone me, email or write. You wont be sorry you hired me. I get on well with fellow crewmembers and can cater for most tastes I have over 20 years experience in shipping and camps oil rigs etc, so if you are in the market for cook I’m your man and if you hire me and I do not perform what I say I can do you don’t have to pay me. All the best in 2003 Scotty

Dear reader I am looking for A position as ships cook but to no avail. I’ve yet to receive even a reply to my many ads on the so called Internet so I will try a different approach. If you want a rubbish cook who smokes like a chimney drinks like a fish and wastes food like a pig has filthy work habits and does not give a damn about his fellow crew members hire him or her at once. If you would like the opposite hire me. I honestly don’t know how I can get an employer to respond to my ads as I have all the expertise to do a good job, and still can’t find work. And yet I hear there is a shortage of cooks. I cant see how. Email me or phone. Thank you for reading this far Scotty

Hi Scotty the cook here. I would just like to hear of a company, any company, who has hired off a web site.  I am very despondent about the lack response I personally have had. I am a very good cook. I have all the qualifications for any ship board job but I still fail to get a response which leads me to believe this internet is not all what its cracked up to be. I’ve tried every approach. I have been honest, satirical, funny. I’ve been out of work now six months. Thats the longest in twenty five years. I am not a happy camper right now. If you would to make a wee scot happy give me a job. Send me an e mail I will send you a resume.

If you need a good ships cook email me or phone me or write for full resume. Me bags are packed and ready to go no job too big or small

Wo thom it cay moncern I am a cilestic dook fooking lor a job I am very cood gook and waker bith over yenty twears expertise I have tried wevery yay to jet a gob no to avail I gefuse to rive up hope ther tas ho se bome one ganting a wood cook if so wall me or crite by email.

Scotty - Its possible that this site where you have been posting your messages is not accessed much by personnel officers. Try one you or they have to pay for. Those are the ones they look at!

We’d hire him but we don’t have any ships. But anyone who wants to hire Scotty as a cook, or possibly as a writer can contact him at  scottyswiss@hotmail.com  or ph 1 250 954 8466 or 1 250 248 9469.  

GOOD NEWS!! 1ST APRIL 2003. SCOTTY EMAILED US TO SAY HE HAS GOT A JOB ON THE GRAMPIAN EXPLORER